6 answers to questions about sex
When people find out what sexologist Dr. Laura Berman does, they start asking her all kinds of questions.
From ones about low libido and bedroom fantasies, to how to spice things up a bit.
And Dr. Berman is always happy to answer them, even if they catch her talking at the shoe store.
“Not only does it make my life interesting, but it also fits my mission: to remind people that honest and clear communication about sex is vital to healthy relationships,” she says.
Here’s how she answers the most frequently asked questions about sex.
1. Is my sex life normal?
Most people (especially women) think that what they want in the bedroom is weird – maybe because we were taught as children that sex is dirty and that our physical needs should be discussed.
If what you do in sex does not harm anyone, then you are normal and there is no reason to be uncomfortable with your desires or genitalia.
What’s more, if you loosen your inhibitions a bit, you may be able to achieve the sex life of your dreams faster.
2. How often do other people have sex?
Everyone thinks other people have more sex than they do. Relax. Research shows that most long-married American couples have sex once or twice a week, provided they are not prevented by illness, pregnancy, travel, financial stress, or any other major problem.
New couples have sex much more often, but the frequency decreases over time.
3. How do I tell my partner what I need in bed?
He doesn’t read minds, so be clear about what you want. Gentle instructions can also help. Don’t be afraid to say things like, “Can you slow down a bit,” “Would you do that with your tongue again.”
Sometimes you don’t need to speak at all – just show it by lifting your hips slightly or moving your body in a way that works for you.
Your moans and purrs also indicate that your partner is doing something you love. Remember, your partner’s goal is to make you happy, so any guidance will always be appreciated.
4. I have no desire for sex. Why?
Lack of libido is a common problem, especially in women when menopause occurs. But it can happen at any age and is due to both fluctuating hormone levels (perimenopause can start as early as 35) and workload at home or at work.
Medications (some antidepressants and birth control pills are associated with reduced sex drive), poor physical fitness, and lack of sleep can also be factors.
If you have lost interest in sex, first make sure the cause is not physical. Do you sleep enough, do sports, do you eat healthy?
If the answer is yes, consult a doctor. He can test you for hormonal changes or assess whether this is a side effect of a new medication.
You can also try to manage stress. If your daily to-do list is overwhelming, don’t be a hero, ask for help. Always make time for a hot bath, a spa day, hanging out with friends, or a romantic date with your spouse.
5. One of us cheated. How to fix your relationship?
It is possible to fix your relationship after an affair. First, the cheating partner should stop all communication with the former lover.
The unfaithful spouse should be completely honest about what they did, but refrain from sharing too many details. Couples therapy can help you understand what led to the infidelity and figure out how to rebuild the relationship.
6. How do I share about my fantasies?
This can be embarrassing, especially if you’ve never done it before. You can write your most secret wishes on a piece of paper and put them in a box together with your partners. Whenever things get boring in the bedroom, you can pull out the sheets and try acting out your sexual fantasies.
Many couples have used this strategy successfully, including one woman who dressed up as Princess Leia in front of her husband, and a husband who fulfilled his partner’s dream by dressing up as the masked bandit Zorro.
